The same reasons why you love summer are also why you hate it. It’s hot, you feel pressure to be outside more when all you really want to do is catch up on your latest HBO series obsession, and you get to wear all your cute ‘n’ skimpy warm-weather outfits (crop tops, on crop tops, on crop tops).
Clearly a man must have designed the classic two-piece because no girl who has ever experienced puberty and love handles would devise such a poorly fit, ill-constructed garment that literally sections off your body into three “look at me!” circular mounds (your top, your middle and ASS).
But, despite all that complaining, you know who isn’t about to get down on the fact that there is no easy way to look good in a bikini? You. Why?
Because our bikini insecurities are not only completely bogus, but they are also totally not trendy right now (seriously, check Google Trends, no one cares about Megan Fox’s hidden swimsuit cellulite or the elusive bikini bridge).
Bikini body paranoias should be a thing of the past at this point. “How to Banish Bikini Body Anxieties” is a headline we’ve seen for years now, we’re tired of it, these tips don’t work and guess what: We don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Confidence comes from within and a glossy magazine depicting unattainably-thin models with boobs given by Sports Illustrated angels isn’t going to help.
We’re here to put it out there and let it all hang out — every apprehension, anxiety, neurosis or paranoia we experience while wearing a bikini — to blatantly point out how ridiculous these insecurities actually sound when finally spoken aloud. And after that, let’s all do ourselves a favor and never discuss it again.
1. AM I SHOWING TOO MUCH CLEAVE?
How is this even a real question? There is no such thing as too many tatas when it’s summertime and the livin’ is easy. “Put those things away,” said nobody, ever.
2. IS MY SWIMSUIT SEE-THROUGH?
Congratulations on turning a basic beach into a nude beach without ever having to
take off your bikini! When it comes to see-through anything — your neighbors’ windows, Beyoncé’s Grammy outfit, expensive fish tanks — you’d rather voyeurs be able to ogle the goods from afar than come up closer to get a better look.
3. DO I HAVE FAT ROLLS WHEN I SIT DOWN?
Probably, but so does every other female who has plans to procreate someday. These folds occur naturally regardless of how thin or thick you are.
4. IS SOMEONE TAKING A PICTURE OF ME? WILL THEY UPLOAD IT?
A better question: Will they use filters?
5. I DEFINITELY MISSED A SPOT SHAVING… EVERYTHING
Recall that phrase “long hair, don’t care.” The same applies to your unshaven legs and bikini line. We mean it when we say the only person noticing those things is you. Everyone else is too busy having fun, playing beer pong and enjoying the sunshine.
6. IS MY ASS HANGING OUT?
Unless you’re spraying your butt with super glue, there’s no successful way to prevent your swimsuit from riding up. Accept this fact, adjust when necessary and don’t make it a big deal.
7. HOW’S MY NON-EXISTENT THIGH GAP DOING?
Chillin’, like it was never there.
8. ARE THERE FAMILIES AROUND?
Yes, so what? Are they Amish or something?
9. MY LEGS DON’T LOOK LIKE HOT DOGS
This is probably a good thing…
10. WILL MY TOP FALL OFF?
Only if you purposely didn’t tie it tight enough. Now, is there something you’d like to share with the rest of the class (other than your boobs)?
11. IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?
Simply because you are looking mighty fine, lady. Get the negativity out of your head and allow yourself to feel good about your body. People are looking because your sheer presence commands the attention of others.
12. IS MY BACNE SHOWING?
Either cover it up until you feel comfortable, or let it fly and forget about it. Everybody else has already.
13. CAN MY PARENTS SPOT MY TATTOO?
You probably should have asked yourself this question before you put on a skimpy two-piece.
14. THE TIES ARE DIGGING INTO MY SIDES
Maybe try loosening them? Or wear it like an old school Baywatch babe, that’ll be sure to look more ridiculous.
15. MY INGROWN HAIR IS OFFENSIVE
No it’s not. What’s offensive is the waxer who completely botched your brazilian. Demand a refund, ASAP.
16. IS MY BIKINI CUTE ENOUGH? I GOT IT AT DANAILYA’S BEDROOM…
That’s like asking if your hair color is pretty enough because you got it done at the salon.
17. IT’S THE FIRST TIME I’M LYING OUT AND I’M SUPER PALE
Yeah, that’s usually what happens when you see sun for the first time. Don’t fret it. Wear your sunblock — the only thing worse than feeling super pasty is feeling super sunburned.
18. DO I LOOK BLOATED?
Not unless you chugged a gallon of soda and took down an entire jar of salty pickles. No need to stress, there’s comfort in knowing that you and Kate Upton have this in common.
19. DO THEY NOTICE MY WEIRD BIRTHMARK?
If you haven’t gotten over your weird birthmark by this age (which, by the way, everyone has) then maybe your biggest problem isn’t wearing a bikini…
20. I HAVE AWKWARD TAN LINES FROM THAT CUTOUT ONE PIECE
Maybe, but how well did you rock it, and even more so, how good did you look in it? Makes it totally worth the tan lines. Remember, tans fade but pictures last forever.
21. WILL I GET MY PERIOD?
It’s not like it’s coming down in waterfalls. This isn’t your first time at the rodeo — you know how to handle it if that should happen.
22. WHAT ABOUT THE BABY FAT UNDERARM PART?
What about it? You have some? So do I! Twinsies!
23. I THINK I JUST NIP-SLIPPED
I think you just made a ton of people very, very happy.